I sat down at my computer tonight with the intention of writing about addiction and the magnetism of addictive behaviors. It was going to be my attempt to explain my grandmother's relapse into alcoholism after over 20 years of sobriety or my own history of "relapses" to smoking cigarettes, drunkenness, lust, and self-damage.
Everything I wrote seemed scattered, inaccurate, and, inadequate; like a 4 year old trying to describe the plot of a movie they just saw.
All I know is my addictions are keeping me from living as the man I truly want to be: the man of God's design. I don't know what recovery looks like and am extremely discouraged by the idea of "Once an addict. Always an addict.". I know to retreat into my addictions will only leave me unsatisfied and even more frustrated with myself and God. The only other option is to move forward, however impossible that may seem.
I'm battered and bruised from losing too many fights to be better, or at least different, this week. I'm exhausted. All the "right answers" seem trite and useless. I'm discouraged to say the least. I know that as a Christian there should be something to be hopeful about, but I'm just not feeling it tonight.
Sounds like you need some fellowship, Patricio! Praying for you tonight!
ReplyDeleteEven if you don't feel it, I hope you take comfort in knowing there is hope. And that you're not alone. We're all in this together.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I won't pretend that I understand exactly what you're going through, I do understand dark, hopeless times when "as a Christian there should be something to be hopeful about, but I'm just not feeling it". My prayer for you Pat is that no matter how difficult it may be, that you approach God and genuinely request He take you by the hand and lead you into the young, hurting and fearful places of your heart - those places that continue to manifest in your life through the addictions you mentioned. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”. If the wellspring of life is your heart, then everything we do comes out of our hearts and no amount of self discipline at "trying to be a better person" will do it - you will eventually fail and go into a deeper depression. Jesus came to make our hearts whole and continues knocking at the door of our heart, but we can continue resisting and trying to substitute His Joy with lesser things. Until we truly open the door, inviting Him in and surrender every area of our heart to God, we will not experience the abundant life Jesus promised. And don’t mistake “surrendering our heart to God” as burying your desires or pretending we are somebody we are not, good or bad. I simply mean genuinely offering it to Him no matter what that looks like to you or others or how difficult it may be to walk through it with Him. I don’t say any of this like I’ve already arrived, but I have experienced God’s intimate touch of healing in some of the wounded and afraid places of my heart. It is a continual process and God continues to show me places of my heart that have not been surrendered. The question is, will we trust Him with our hearts when the world around us, even ourselves, show us we could never trust ANYONE with it? Many times, my answer was No. But the times I answered Yes were the most beautiful…
ReplyDeleteI’ll try and give you a call in the next week or so.