I sat down at my computer tonight with the intention of writing about addiction and the magnetism of addictive behaviors. It was going to be my attempt to explain my grandmother's relapse into alcoholism after over 20 years of sobriety or my own history of "relapses" to smoking cigarettes, drunkenness, lust, and self-damage.
Everything I wrote seemed scattered, inaccurate, and, inadequate; like a 4 year old trying to describe the plot of a movie they just saw.
All I know is my addictions are keeping me from living as the man I truly want to be: the man of God's design. I don't know what recovery looks like and am extremely discouraged by the idea of "Once an addict. Always an addict.". I know to retreat into my addictions will only leave me unsatisfied and even more frustrated with myself and God. The only other option is to move forward, however impossible that may seem.
I'm battered and bruised from losing too many fights to be better, or at least different, this week. I'm exhausted. All the "right answers" seem trite and useless. I'm discouraged to say the least. I know that as a Christian there should be something to be hopeful about, but I'm just not feeling it tonight.